It took me some time between registering this domain and being able to put “words to paper” and even publishing.
Did I really want to relive my experiences? Will I get this right? Can I continue this long-term? Will it even make a difference? Am I giving toxic people the means to hide their traits?
Ultimately I decided it needed to be said regardless of the outcomes I have no control over. To help that one person out there experiencing toxic interactions, situations or relationships to let them know they’re not alone and being in a toxic relationship isn’t your fault. You can walk away any day, alive and free from further abuse. To hopefully give them the strength to exit it passively and some tools to survive after they have.
I reached a breaking point in one of my toxic relationships where I contemplated suicide. I remember naively thinking that it was my only way out. It made sense in those delusional, weak, broken moments. Thankfully it did not go that way and I survived to live another day and now tell the tale.
My story isn’t as unique as I once thought it was and the more I discussed my experiences, the more I realised the trauma experienced during a toxic relationship made me feel alone, secluded, abandoned and even ostracised at times. The walls were high and the path felt narrow. I thought no one wanted to hear me complain and some had enough of me.
That’s what I thought. The reality was far from so.
I wasn’t alone in my journey, it just felt like it; really toxic relationships can do that to you. Turns out if you need an ear, there are those who understand and don’t mind listening or conversing, just don’t expect everyone to be as open-minded, the one(s) closest to you and even the one you expected the most.
A lot of people experience a toxic relationship on some level, at some point in their life, whether romantic, familial, professional, casual or otherwise.
Back when I was going through my traumatic experience, terms like ‘toxic relationship’ and ‘narcissist’ weren’t as widely used as they are today. At least, not in my circles. It wasn’t until years later that I stumbled upon the abundance of online resources warning about and guiding people on how to recognise toxic relationships.
It all made sense upon learning about these things. It didn’t however alleviate my triggers or trauma, but it did help me realise I wasn’t the wrong one and allowed me to start healing in some way.
This is why I’m doing this, to hopefully be a guiding light to someone else like I needed when I needed it the most. At least bring more awareness to this increasing societal problem.
I have to say I don’t have any plans or a structure to follow, when writing this, however, with experience and practice I’m sure I would be able to figure it out as I go and I do wish to be consistent posting here.
Here’s to hoping the memories don’t trigger anything too crippling like they have already, and I can convey the message properly without hindrance. Because when I retell my story to my life partner, whom I trust the most, I go back into a low-energy, negative mindset and it takes me time to get back to normal.
So this will be hard, but I’ll do my best.
This blog isn’t intended to be a replacement for therapy and should not be considered medical advice in any way. I cannot overstate this enough: Seek professional help. Seek medical advice from a professional. You owe it to your inner self.
Most importantly, you owe it to your future, happier self that will look back on your toxic period and remind yourself, if I survived that, I can survive anything.
